No matter how sweet I am and how much I help people, and get told this by people all the time, they just screw me over the next second. Why do I keep helping? Why do I just let people step all over me but still help with their every demand?
I thought everything had finally, after 2 months, fallen in to place. We had the talk we were afraid to have. We accepted how we were feeling. I thought the hot and cold treatment would be over for these last two and a half weeks. But the answer is no. The cold treatment is almost worse this time because I thought we had finally figured it out. But now I am getting even more rejected than I have ever been. I have started thinking, oh, I am never gonna see him again. No matter what he says. Because he doesn't really want to. Is it because of what I said, and he doesn't feel the same so he is just taking advantage of me?? Probably.
Yesterday I actually admitted to a friend that I would rather have it was her who was still here. That she hadn't already gone back home. I'm going to her though no doubt. She has a list of all the things we are gonna do when I come there and I am not allowed to see it before I'm there! She is the sweetest and I just feel so calm and happy around her. It might not be crazy heart-beating love that makes me so nervous I can't talk, like it is with him. But isn't comfortable, nice, relaxing love much better than one that hurts so bad I wanna punch things?
He promised me he wouldn't hurt me. He said to my face, "I don't wanna hurt you" .. Then why is that the only thing you are doing? Why don't you even try to not hurt me? Why is it just hurt upon hurt? I used to think he didn't know he was doing it. But he kinda admitted that he did know, so what the hell man? I'm sure it's because he doesn't feel the same. Despite the fact he literally said, while laying next to me, looking at me, "will you be my girlfriend? Even when I go back?" and when I stupidly answered yes to both questions he said "nice". Then why the fuck are you like this? I was pretty sure from the beginning he wasn't asking for real, and now I have been proved he wasn't. Such a great feeling tbh. Thank you for also playing with me. That hasn't happened enough in my life. The first real love I have felt for someone in 6 years and it's just like all the other times it has happened.

I don't care my education anymore, don't know what I am doing it for. Love only plays with me. I have pretty much no money, can't even really buy food. What am I supposed to do with life? Is this it? Because I don't want it. Can't see the point of it. But I am also not down in the ditch so much that I wanna end it... Because there is one thing I am looking forward. I can't wait to go see her. Can't wait to get on that airplane and just spend time with her. She is my anchor in this moment.