No matter how sweet I am and how much I help people, and get told this by people all the time, they just screw me over the next second. Why do I keep helping? Why do I just let people step all over me but still help with their every demand?
I thought everything had finally, after 2 months, fallen in to place. We had the talk we were afraid to have. We accepted how we were feeling. I thought the hot and cold treatment would be over for these last two and a half weeks. But the answer is no. The cold treatment is almost worse this time because I thought we had finally figured it out. But now I am getting even more rejected than I have ever been. I have started thinking, oh, I am never gonna see him again. No matter what he says. Because he doesn't really want to. Is it because of what I said, and he doesn't feel the same so he is just taking advantage of me?? Probably.
Yesterday I actually admitted to a friend that I would rather have it was her who was still here. That she hadn't already gone back home. I'm going to her though no doubt. She has a list of all the things we are gonna do when I come there and I am not allowed to see it before I'm there! She is the sweetest and I just feel so calm and happy around her. It might not be crazy heart-beating love that makes me so nervous I can't talk, like it is with him. But isn't comfortable, nice, relaxing love much better than one that hurts so bad I wanna punch things?
He promised me he wouldn't hurt me. He said to my face, "I don't wanna hurt you" .. Then why is that the only thing you are doing? Why don't you even try to not hurt me? Why is it just hurt upon hurt? I used to think he didn't know he was doing it. But he kinda admitted that he did know, so what the hell man? I'm sure it's because he doesn't feel the same. Despite the fact he literally said, while laying next to me, looking at me, "will you be my girlfriend? Even when I go back?" and when I stupidly answered yes to both questions he said "nice". Then why the fuck are you like this? I was pretty sure from the beginning he wasn't asking for real, and now I have been proved he wasn't. Such a great feeling tbh. Thank you for also playing with me. That hasn't happened enough in my life. The first real love I have felt for someone in 6 years and it's just like all the other times it has happened.

I don't care my education anymore, don't know what I am doing it for. Love only plays with me. I have pretty much no money, can't even really buy food. What am I supposed to do with life? Is this it? Because I don't want it. Can't see the point of it. But I am also not down in the ditch so much that I wanna end it... Because there is one thing I am looking forward. I can't wait to go see her. Can't wait to get on that airplane and just spend time with her. She is my anchor in this moment.

Here we go again

I've been having a hard period in my life again. I have now found out some reasons why it was hard before and why I acted like I did. I'm been trying to tell some people what had happened to me and what was going on with me, because I thought people who also had some trouble could understand and be supportive.
But as always the answer is no. No one gives a shit about me. No matter how much I have helped them in the past, nobody is willing to understand or support when I am going through a tough time. People just say heartless things to me and when I say, hey not cool, they play it off as I'm joking. When I then tell them that what they have said or  done actually hurt me, well they have the audacity to try and guilt trip me. Listen you fucking idiot, it's not my problem that you get hurt and cry because YOU said something insensitive. DO NOT try to put that on my court.
I haven't had a bad period for like, over a year at least, if not longer! I have been happy and supportive of others and listened to their problems, however small, and tried to help them with it. BUT of course, I say I am not doing well now, after a loooong time and need some understanding and support, and what do I get? Nothing. OR, people being annoyed with me for not feeling okay.
I am sick and tired of people and myself. Don't everyone think that I am MUCH MORE sick and tired of my brains bullshit than they are??? Like do they even understand I have to live with everything?? Even the things I don't say because it's too dark and I don't think they can handle it.
I still listen to their problems and all the things they talk about, even when I am feeling like shit. But that favor cannot ever be returned apparently. It never has and never will.
I am having very very very bad thoughts and could sometimes just use a little bit of support, instead of constantly being pushed away. Tbh at this point, I very much question why am I still here?? Nobody would give two shits if I weren't apparently. Well yes I know my mum would and perhaps she is the reason I am trying so hard.
But I am so so so so so tired. And it's very hard for me to not just give up.

Shitty "lovers"

Ok, I've never gone so far to a point where I was actually lovers with anyone. Girlfriend/Boyfriend is as far as I've gotten. But still, I'm sick and tired of me only being able to get shitty girlfriends and boyfriends. I mean, usually when you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, they care for you, and in the beginning they just can't leave you alone because you're their everything. well.. frist of, no ones ever been all over me! The only one who has, and the only person I've actually ever been in love with, well, there were some circumstances that made it impossible for us to be together. So yeah. Actually the only boyfriend who ever really cared for me and tried to help me and such was my first boyfriend, and that's fucking amazing because.. I really had problems back then, but he was there for me when I needed it. He never backed off and didn't make me feel alone, except for one time, but hey, everybody makes mistakes! my second boyfriend and first girlfriend, tore me apart with their none caring. They were the most selfish people I think I've ever met, but yet somehow I'm glad I was with them before thos, because my current girlfriend, well.. she treats me the same way as those two did, not as extremely fortunately, but it's still enough. I know she has problems too, and I'm not allowed to know about them even though I'm willing to help. I'm always willing to listen and help. I don't care how long it goes on for, as long as I feel loved and appreciated. but I don't.. She doesn't in any way make me feel that. I know I should just say it's over, but she says she has some things she wants to talk through with me... wtf, I should be the one saying that.. well anyways, I have to wait another two weeks until that point. I guess I'll just not talk to her until then, it seems like that's the way she is going with this, so yeah, I don't care anymore, I think I'll tell her it's over when she is done saying what she wants to tell me.

*sigh*

At days like this, I feel all alone.. left out... I feel like I have no interaction with anyone.. I... sometimes when my friends say something or do something, I get upset, I don't know why, and somehow yet I do.. because my dreams are far from here and their dreams are right here.. I feel so alone.. My dreams flew that far away because I'm not use to having friends who actually care or like me all that much.. I usually get ditched just after I get attached.. therefore I shaped my dreams all alone.. but now... now I want nothing more than to let those dreams go and stay right here even though it will hurt and I know I will regret it.. I really don't know which foot to take a step with.. which path I should take.. I feel stuck and want out, but yet somehow I can't.. Everytime I think about what I should do, what I WANT to do, I have to stop, neither my brain nor heart know where to go.. what to do.. If I don't go, I wont be able to do anything.. but if I do go. I could loose everything I've finally gotten... but somehow I feel I shouldn't feel this way.. I mean I love my friends soo much, but do they love me? Even though they say they miss me and love me.. I've been through this before, and those people I finally told my secrets, my darkness, they'd abandon me, leaving me all alone.. feeling lost.. I feel that, if I follow my dreams now, I'll abandon them.. they wont be lost though, 'cause they've got a lot of other things and friends, but.. Is that really what I want? I'm not good at sharing especially not friends, mostly because.. It always feels like they know each other more and talk to each other more than they do with me, and that upsets me, even though I know it shouldn't 'cause that's usually not how it is.. and yet I'm too dumb to actually see it..



I guess I just have to make a choice, and then make sure that nothing falls apart.. If other people can do it.. why can't I? ^^

Rain is over and out~~ and I'll always remember to smile!

OMG I'm alive! o.o

yeah, it came as a suprise for me too xDD I'm still here xDD
it's almost been 5 months since my last entry o.o I'm starting to become like Tora, no wait, it's been like a year since his last entry xDD anyways, I haven't written because, well I don't know, I mean a lot has happened, both good and bad.. but I don't know xDD

anyways people!!
to start of, I got 12 (the highest score in my country) in my Japanese exam, WOOP WOOP! and me who thought it was gonna go soo bad, 'cause I suck at everything, well, I think I found one thing I don't suck completely at, yaiiz xDD *pats myself on shoulder* my dad was also all like, why did you say you were bad at it? xDD
my mum is really preaparing for the vacation o.o she is determined to learn the proper way to say hello and thanks in any given situation, aww that's kinda sweet ^&^ and when we were planning what to do while in Japan just casually, she was like, I wanna see that, and that, and that, OH AND THAT TOO!! and it ended up she had more things than me o.o WHAT!?!? how is that possible? >.> I asked my dad too, what he wanted to see and all he said was, Tokyo Fire station ^&^ it's kinda cute :3 for those of you who don't know, my dad is a firefighter and have been for a about 26 years now ^^ so on vacations our goal is always to find the firestations and take pictures of them wherever we are ^&^

for work, wow, I work so much, and yet it's just normal hours anyway WTF xDD but it feels like I have no freetime, mostly because I only have one day off at the time >:<

music wise, the new DOGgy single got shipped yesterday o. CAN'T WAIT!! >.< + the 3 versions of Alice Nine's new single will be shipped like a week from now =(^.^)=

I'm gonna write more, so I can get things in more detail XDD not that anyone but me really cares, 'cause I believe all my readers has stopped reading xD

anyways, keep safe people!! and don't forget to smile ^&^
Rain is over and out ^v^

O.O

OK WTF!! it's been aaagggeess since the last time o.o that is soo not ok!! damnit!! xDD ANYWAYS, a lot of nice things has happened already, and the year just fucking started xDD

I have bought the tickets to the Final Fantasy concert in November ^&^ <3>
This week I'm gonna buy the plane tickets to Tokyo baby!!! *dances around like crazy*

yesterday I was in Copenhagen with my bithces XDDDD yes, I call people I love that because I'm pathetic xDD Even though I've been sick for almost a week now, I haven't really felt it bacause of all the stuff I've been doing, very nice indeed xDD


I think I'll stop already, because.. I can't really say with words how happy I am at the moment, and it's gonna sound retarded if I keep going, I just know it XDDD


See ya, and don't forget to smile!!
Rain is over and out~

OMFG!!!!!!!

IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!! DISTANT WORLDS IS COMING TO LONDON NEXT YEAR!!! FUCK YES!! I'm soo going!! I could cry, I'm that happy right now ;______; I was at the concert in Stockholm on 12th of June this year, and it was soo.. damn it was amazing, and it was in the middle of my exam periode, which wasn't so good, 'cause I couldn't focus at all after that concert, I could only think about it xDD I think that's why I did soo poorly, but that doesn't matter, Final Fantasy is more important to me than life itself xDD

I know I haven't updated in like, a month xDD or wait, it's almost two isn't it o.o xDDD anyways, my life isn't really that exciting, and that is why xD
the most exciting things is, of course the news about the Distant worlds concert, but also the fact, that my FF collection almost is complete, only missing a few games, yaaaiizz ^&^v also, it's my birthday on friday xDD haha xDD woop woop xDD
but omg, the only thing I can think about right now.. is that concert *____* oh wait, also the fact that in the summer vacation next year, I'm going to Japan for 2 weeks xDD I know it sounds crazy saying this, but it almost slipped my mind, because I'm that excited for that freaking concert damnit!! xDDD


but now I'm gonna go, 'cause work calls once again xDD I work waayy too much compared to my contract, but screw that.. MONEEEYY!! xDDD

over and out!!! hope you too is as happy as me xDDD haha xDDD